How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
