Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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