alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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