From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
