I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
