his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
