Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
