Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
