Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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