My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
