And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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