Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
