kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
