In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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