I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
