I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
