Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
