Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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