what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I AM VODKA MAN
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
