i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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