I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
