I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
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