had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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