you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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