You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
My vagina just recognized that song.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
