you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
