He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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