you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
