Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
