Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Randomize
