i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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