Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
