They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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