I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
