hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
