I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
