I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
he was CRYING into my vagina
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
