We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
