sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
