Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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