singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
well you can't waste a boner
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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