I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
