My friends, they love my intelligence
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
