New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
