Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
