i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
How external is "for external use only"?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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