the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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