Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
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