ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
