this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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