I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
