I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
