I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I believe in your delicious
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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